Saturday, April 30, 2011

Grace, Grit, Wilber
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Grace and Grit, by Ken Wilber



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Gratitude (31) I'm grateful to be re-reading this book.

www.amazon.com/Grace-Grit-Spirituality-Healing-Killam/dp/...
From Publishers Weekly: Ten days after transpersonal psychologist Wilber married Terry Killam in 1983, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. This harrowing account of her losing battle against disease is unusual in several respects. Killam (who changed her first name to Treya) shared her husband's belief in the "perennial philosophy" of the world's wisdom traditions embracing rebirth, enlightenment and the all-pervasiveness of Spirit. Her condition tested their faith simultaneously. Her lengthy, candid journal entries, interwoven with his narrative, form a tremendously moving love story. Killam, who died in 1989, combined orthodox treatment with such alternative therapies as diet, meditation and psychotherapy. Wilber disputes the imputed New Age view that mind alone causes all physical illness. He intimately participated in his wife's ordeal, and here presents cancer as a healing crisis, an occasion for self-confrontation and growth. Copyright 1991 Reed Business Information, Inc.

wilber.shambhala.com/html/books/cowokev5_intro.cfm/
In terms of the Collected Works, there was a decade-long hiatus in my theoretical writing, stretching from Transformations of Consciousness (written in 1984) to Sex, Ecology, Spirituality (written in 1993). Grace and Grit tells the story of that hiatus, which, although it was an absence of writing, was an abundance of blessings. And anguish. It is the story of perhaps the most remarkable person I have ever known, Terry Killam, soon to become Treya Killam Wilber.

As I write this, it has been ten years since Treya's death. I am immeasurably more, and immeasurably less, because of her presence. Immeasurably more, for having known her; immeasurably less, for having lost her. But then, perhaps every event in life is like that: filling you up and emptying you out, all at the same time. It is just that, it is oh-so-rare that such a one as Treya moves among us, and thus the joy, and the pain, are all so intensely amplified.

There are as many Treyas as there are those who knew her. What follows is my Treya. I am not saying it is the only Treya, or even the best. But I do believe it is a full account, fair and balanced. In particular, it makes liberal use of her own journals, which she kept off and on for most of her adult life, and which she kept almost daily during the years we were together. I had always intended to destroy these journals after Treya died, and without reading them myself, because they were so intensely personal for her. She never showed them to anybody, not even me. Not because she was reclusive or private about her "real feelings" and thus had to "hide" them in her journals. On the contrary, one of the most extraordinary things about Treyaâ€"in fact, I might say the single most astonishing thing about herâ€"is that she had almost no split between her public and her private selves. She harbored no "secret" thoughts that she was afraid or ashamed to share with the world. If you asked, she would tell you exactly what she thoughtâ€"about you or anybody elseâ€"but in such a nondefensive, direct, straightforward way that people rarely got upset. This was the basis of her enormous integrity: people trusted her right from the start, because they seemed to know that she would never lie to them, and as far as I can tell, she never did.

No, I had intended to destroy the journals simply because when she wrote in them, it was a special time for her to be alone with herself, and I felt that nobody, including me, should violate that space. But right before her death, she pointed to her journals and said, "You'll need those." She had asked me to write about our ordeal, and she knew that I would need her journals in order to convey her own thoughts. The very last entry, made twenty-four hours before she died, read: "It takes graceâ€"yes!â€"and grit."

. . . She could be obstinate; strong people often are. But it came out of that core of vivid presence and wakefulness, and it was bracing, mind-stopping. People often came away from Treya more alive, more open, more direct. She was like that; her presence changed you, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, but it changed you. It drew you into being present to the Present, it reminded you to wake up.

. . . It might seem that Treya "had it all": intelligence, beauty, charm, integrity, a happy marriage, a wonderful family. But, like all of us, Treya had her own doubts, insecurities, self-criticisms, and deeply unsettling issues about her own worth and her own purpose in life... not to mention a brutal battle with a lethal disease. But Treya fought the good fight with all of those shadows... and she won, by any definition of the word "win." Treya's story speaks to all of us because she met those nightmares head on, with courage and dignity and grace, and she triumphed, gloriously.

And she left us her journals, which tell us exactly how she did it. How she brought meditative awareness to bear on pain and thus dissipated its hold on her. How, instead of closing down and becoming bitter and angry, she greeted the world with love in her heart. How she met cancer with "passionate equanimity." How she rid herself of self-pity and chose joyously to carry on. How she was fearless, not because she lacked fear, but because she immediately embraced it, even when it became obvious that she would soon die: "I will bring the fear into my heart. To meet the pain and the fear with openness, to embrace it, to allow it. Realizing that brings wonderment at life. It gladdens my heart and nourishes my soul. I feel such joy. I'm not trying to 'beat' my sickness; I'm allowing myself into it, forgiving it. I will go on, not with anger and bitterness, but with determination and joy." And she did so, greeting both life and death with a determination and joy that outpaced their tedious terrors, and a loving radiance that outshone the finite world, even to the end.

. . . You triumph over death, not by living forever, but by living timelessly, by being present to the Present. You are not going to defeat death by identifying with the ego in the steam of time and then trying to make that ego go on forever in that temporal stream. You defeat death by finding that part of your own present awareness that never enters the stream of time in the first place and thus is truly Unborn and Undying.

. . . If Treya can do it, we can do it: that is the message of this book, and that is what people write to tell me about. How her story moved them to remember what really matters. How her attempt to balance in herself the masculine/doing and the feminine/being spoke directly to their own deepest concerns in today's world. How her remarkable courage inspired themâ€"male and female alikeâ€"to carry on with their own unbearable suffering. How her example helped get them through the dark hours of their own nightmares. How "passionate equanimity" installed them directly in the Self. And why all of them understood that, on the very deepest level, this is a book with a profoundly happy ending.










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